We are five hours from landing in Beijing. I have been sleeping for the past six hours of the flight thanks to the help of natural meds. Now I find myself very sleepy but I can't sleep. Mostly I'm gripped with fear. Up to this point it has been excitement and joy with little doses of fear here and there. But now, fear seems to be the dominating thoughts in my head.
All the unknowns. What is this transition going to look like? How much more exhaustion are we going to endure once we have her here when I feel drained and empty from travel already? What is the traveling home with her going to be like? I haven't made a bottle of formula in 3 years; 'now how do I do that again?' and how do i do that when I packed a bag of formula but forgot to include the scoop? what kind of emotional walls are we going to hit with Kayli? What emotional damage has been done in her up to now? Will she ever heal and re-wire her emotional primal survival instincts that she's had to develop in order to cope in an environment where she's been starved and neglected? Will she ever connect with us and become emotionally healthy? Will she have RAD? So many unknowns. I am so thankful that there is One who does know. He knows. and He calls me to cast all of my cares upon Him and lay all of my burdens down at His feet. I know He promises not to give us more than we can handle and I know full well that this is the child He chose for us. He made that so undeniable evident when we were looking over her file. This child that we have been praying over for 9 years now, ever since God sparked the desire to adopt in our hearts. this child that SO many others have been praying over for the last 13 months. I know that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of sound mind." (2 Timothy 3:16). 'Lord, fill my head with the knowledge that I know to be true in my heart. Do not allow fear to grip me any longer. I trust You. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Father, I need Your strength for this journey ahead of us. A strength that I've never known or experienced before. I need Your peace that passes all understanding, Lord. I need You. For I am weak. Thank You for Your Word that comforts me so. In it, You remind me that Your "grace is sufficient for me. For Your power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more in my weakness" so that You may be glorified! I am not capable of this road ahead of us, but I know that you are.... And Your peace flows in.
After this I watched a movie and then slept for another hour and half and woke up right as they were announcing our descent. it was a good flight for me. Shane did not sleep as long as I did but he did sleep so that's good.
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